An Attempt - to write, and to be less "not happy"

7.31.17

Well, it looks like I might be writing here after all. I haven't told anyone that I am doing this, so unless someone stumbles on this by accident, I guess it's not really out there in the universe.

I am not happy. I miss my husband terribly, yet, in many ways I still don’t believe he isn’t here, somewhere just beyond my sight-line. I guess that is in part due to the fact that all of his stuff is just where he left it, his picture is on my headboard, and so is he. I am so grateful that he opted for cremation because I just don’t think I could bear knowing he was in a cemetery somewhere. I would feel compelled to go there to talk to him whereas now he’s still here at home and I can talk to him ad nauseam.

I do not want to be not happy so I have decided to try to fix some things that are contributing. I used to be an expert organizer and planner but since Howie died I just don’t have the motivation. We used to talk over everything, no matter how trivial (well, except that ATV purchase after his dad died but that’s another story), because we really were the other half of each other’s brain. I find that I have now become very indecisive.

I had an opportunity to go to our lake cabin with my brother and a bunch of cousins. They go every year and circumstances allowed me to be home for it this year. I hemmed and hawed for days and finally, on Friday, the start of the weekend, I decided to go. The weather was great, I love spending time with my cousins, I could use a distraction and some FUN, and this fell under trying to fix things that are contributing to my not happy-ness. Since no one knew I was coming it was a great surprise. They were generous with their preplanned food and beverages and made me feel welcome. It was fun and I am glad I went.

I have tried to be more relaxed less bothered about things. I have a never ending list of things to do. I love, love, love my Google calendar and the Google Keep app. Between those two I can be reminded of a lot of things! I hardly ever get the items done on the day I put them on the calendar, but they do get done. I made a calendar named "Maintenance" and put everything on there from adding softener salt, cleaning the laundry tub, to driving Howie's truck (yes, it has to be driven every 2 weeks!). 

I need to do this so that I don't kill myself from stress. It is not good to constantly have adrenaline flowing.