8.31.17
I
lack motivation, I'm tired, when is the last time I had a belly laugh or a
giggle fit? Maybe I'm depressed.
If
I knew 100% for a fact that I would be with Howie and we would continue on
happily, I would consider death. I'm not suicidal, don't worry. I know that the
above is not guaranteed; no one knows what happens after death. I just mean
that it hurts that much, I miss him that much, and I just want to be with him
that much that such a sacrifice could seem worth it.
I've
been thinking that thought for a while now. It's funny to see it written down.
Again, even though I may be depressed I am not suicidal (in the event anyone
besides me ever reads this). The thing that makes it impossible for me to take
that step is not my son, not those who will be left behind, not that it's
wrong, not that I am afraid; it's that it's not guaranteed that Howie and I
would continue on happily (meaning he is free from the monster that stole his
life, etc). For all I know we are all just extinguished like a flame when we
die. So the risk is not worth it. I will just have to wait and see and hope.
Seeing
that thought written down makes me laugh because I think outwardly I look
pretty normal, like I'm handling this pretty well. People who see me might be
surprised that I have these thoughts. Another widow probably wouldn't be
surprised though. I might ask that.
I
have 2 widowed friends. Sadly, our spouses were all taken in the space of about
2 months. My friend Kelly's sadiversary (I cannot say anniversary which implies
a happy occasion to me) is tomorrow. One year for her. That is making me
terribly sad and moody today because mine is coming up fast. She is having a
remembrance BBQ next weekend for her husband. And tomorrow his ashes are being
put into a columbarium (a niche in a building for cremated remains). I had been
thinking about how to remember Howie on this first sadiversary. It will fall on
a Saturday so I'll likely be at the camper. I was thinking of a Howie Fire.
We
had a toast to him at the Kelly Family reunion last weekend. Kelly (his mom)
brought Jameson and cola (one of Howie's preferred drinks). She was crying, I
held it together fairly well. Her brother Jimmy made a nice, funny toast -
something like "There's someone who was here last year that is missing
this year. To the Duck." If you remember, there was a movie called Howard
the Duck back in 1986. A few of Howie's uncles referenced him as that after it
came out. Howie actually did not like that nickname but he let it slide, like
most other things.
And
my final thought for today, well I guess there will be two. First, there is an
amazing song by Clean Bandit featuring Zara Larsson called Symphony. The video
tears me apart. Watch it some time, but be warned if you've ever lost someone,
especially your significant other. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aatr_2MstrI
