9.14.17
I
went to a Young Widow group tonight. It was my first time and I arrived late
(stupid google map!) so missed some of the introductions. My friend Kelly, who
lost her husband only 22 days before I lost mine, went with me. It was really
great to see her, more on that in a bit.
There
was one topic that sticks out. It was around how widows lose friends and even
family. A common experience is that immediately after your spouse dies everyone
wants to help, but eventually those offers dry up. And people feel bad asking
for continued help, or to first start asking for help after XXX length of time
has passed. Then there is the loss of friends – couples that you did things
with and also friends that were more your spouse’s friends than yours. One
woman experienced being told to not text a friend’s husband after both couples
had texted each other interchangeably for many years. She was shocked to feel
like a threat after so many years. And finally there is the loss of family
members – the in laws and that side of the family. I have heard more than once
that the in laws just sort of evaporate.
So,
there Kelly and I sat listening and participating at some points, but after the
meeting we sat in her car for THREE HOURS and just talked. One of the first
things we said was how LUCKY we both are that we have NOT experienced the loss
of friends or family. Kelly just had a One Year Remembrance BBQ for her husband
and there were over 125 people there! Kelly and I have some friends in common (and many more individually) and they are all still there for us in the same capacity in which they always
have been. We also both had and still have GREAT relationships with our mother
in laws and our husband's families. We have both talked to our MILs about the “what if I remarry?” question and
both told us that they would remain our MILs; we’d just get more. I have never felt so appreciative and thankful in my whole life.
So
what did we talk about for 3 hours? Our husbands. Our sadiversaries. Psychics and mediums. Grief groups. Work. Trying to be social. Being indecisive. Being lonely. Closet space. Everything! We could not believe how in
sync we were with our grief status, thoughts, and feelings. We lost our spouses
just 22 days apart and we are only 1 year apart in age. Our losses are
different in that my husband’s life was slowly stolen by a horrible cancer and her
husband’s life was ripped from him in an instant by a FedEx truck. But so many other facets of
our lives are very similar.
Here
is a funny snippet from our conversation. Neither of us is ready to take off
our wedding rings, yet both of us would like a male friend in certain
situations; we notice the gaping hole in our lives. In reality we want our
husbands returned but since that’s not possible then at least a stand-in male
would be nice. Before, we chose to do
an activity with our girlfriends, siblings, children, or husband, etc. It’s
sad to deal with the feeling of powerlessness when the option for husband has
been forcibly removed. So, on the one hand we want to wear our wedding rings but
on the other hand we still want a male friend. However, if a man approached us,
knowing we have wedding rings on, we would instantly think he was a jerk for
going after a married woman! Guess we can’t have our cake and eat it too.
