An Attempt - to write, and to be less "not happy"

7.31.17

Well, it looks like I might be writing here after all. I haven't told anyone that I am doing this, so unless someone stumbles on this by accident, I guess it's not really out there in the universe.

I am not happy. I miss my husband terribly, yet, in many ways I still don’t believe he isn’t here, somewhere just beyond my sight-line. I guess that is in part due to the fact that all of his stuff is just where he left it, his picture is on my headboard, and so is he. I am so grateful that he opted for cremation because I just don’t think I could bear knowing he was in a cemetery somewhere. I would feel compelled to go there to talk to him whereas now he’s still here at home and I can talk to him ad nauseam.

I do not want to be not happy so I have decided to try to fix some things that are contributing. I used to be an expert organizer and planner but since Howie died I just don’t have the motivation. We used to talk over everything, no matter how trivial (well, except that ATV purchase after his dad died but that’s another story), because we really were the other half of each other’s brain. I find that I have now become very indecisive.

I had an opportunity to go to our lake cabin with my brother and a bunch of cousins. They go every year and circumstances allowed me to be home for it this year. I hemmed and hawed for days and finally, on Friday, the start of the weekend, I decided to go. The weather was great, I love spending time with my cousins, I could use a distraction and some FUN, and this fell under trying to fix things that are contributing to my not happy-ness. Since no one knew I was coming it was a great surprise. They were generous with their preplanned food and beverages and made me feel welcome. It was fun and I am glad I went.

I have tried to be more relaxed less bothered about things. I have a never ending list of things to do. I love, love, love my Google calendar and the Google Keep app. Between those two I can be reminded of a lot of things! I hardly ever get the items done on the day I put them on the calendar, but they do get done. I made a calendar named "Maintenance" and put everything on there from adding softener salt, cleaning the laundry tub, to driving Howie's truck (yes, it has to be driven every 2 weeks!). 

I need to do this so that I don't kill myself from stress. It is not good to constantly have adrenaline flowing. 

Write what you know

I know that life without my husband is sad and difficult at times. I am one of the lucky ones though. I have a great family, great in laws, and great friends. My brother lives with me, has for the past 15 years, and has really helped fill in the gaps left by my superhero.

It has been 10 months and 4 days since my beloved Howie left my life, not that anyone but me is counting. There are a lot of things to count in widowhood, especially in this first year. You count how many days since he left, you count how many times and for how long you cry, you count how many events you’ve managed to survive, and sometimes you count your blessings. That’s the hardest because without Howie nothing really seems that great.

It is hard to describe to someone that is not a widow how I feel at this point. I am not unhappy, I am just not happy. Life is not fun anymore. I have most of the logistics down – how to function day to day – but I am still figuring out how to absorb my husband’s whole life into mine (e.g. car maintenance, lawn maintenance, grocery shopping, cooking, and on and on).

Why write now? To capture my thoughts and feelings TODAY, to be able to look back and see if I’ve been able to move forward without the love of my life, and maybe, just maybe to help another widow that also is not sure if she’s normal and offer reassurance that she’s not alone. I’m waxing a bit philosophical as I’m not 100% committed to doing this. I don’t know if I really want to write, or if I do, that I want it out there in the universe for all.

I guess we’ll see.

Write About It, They Said...

Write about it, they said. It'll help, they said. This is some of the advice I've heard since my beloved husband, my soulmate, the other half of my brain, passed away on 9.23.16.

"Passed away," I guess that sounds better than "died." Passed away somehow implies peaceful, smooth, or serene, but Howie's death was anything but. I relive that night more often than I wish. I relive it to remember him. I relive it to punish myself. I relive it because it's the last memory I have of him. And, no matter the pain, I don't want to forget a single minute of my life with him.

"Passed away" is also better than just "passed." That is one of my pet peeves. Passed what? Passed the test? Passed gas? I don't know why people feel the need to truncate "passed away" into just "passed."

So, why start writing about it now? Why not start journaling before he died, or immediately afterwards? Well, the beforehand journaling is there - in his CaringBridge site. Thank you CaringBridge for being an awesome, free, site to share mostly what is bad news with a wide audience. Why not immediately afterwards? I guess because I was numb. And I thought I was doing ok.