Monday, May 21, 2018
Last week my
dear friend Sheri called me. We haven't spoke in a while, but she is one of
those friends that you can go months between chats yet feel like it's been a
minute. We are two peas in a pod in so many ways even though we rarely hung
out. We met through work where much of our interaction was via email and then
after a couple of years she moved away. But the bond was there. We spent
an hour catching up - her life is a mess and my life is a mess!
We talked
about how difficult this second year of widowhood is. This was surprising to
her as I think it is to many. I think people have some timer set for when you,
the widow, are back to normal and/or have moved forward. I thought that too,
before I got here. The second year is hard because you are really lonely.
Lonely for your spouse, your best friend, your old life, at least that is my case.
I not only miss adult companionship and conversation, but companionship and conversation with Howie. When you are married you are on the same page and function as one unit (at least that was us) and it’s just hard without that. I see why people become isolated when they lose their spouse. It takes a lot of effort, coordination, and commitment to participate in a social life when previously your spouse, who fulfilled all those needs, lived right with you.
We did most things
together. Yes, I scrap-booked while he hunted and I read books while he fished,
but he really was my whole world, even with our son in the picture. We
maintained a group of friends, but none lived really near us. Getting together
required planning and was often for larger events that might span a weekend. If
I wanted to go to a movie or out to dinner on a random night, I went with
Howie.
So, after
talking to Sheri, the thought came to
me that I wished we lived near each other as she and and I could probably both
use a good girlfriend to just hang out with.
This might
be a "duh" moment for many of you, but because Howie really just met
every need I had, I didn't want for more. I think that is why not having him is
so hard. I lost waaaaay more than just a spouse.
So, that
leaves me with this gaping hole. It also means if I want it filled with other
people I will have to work at it. I will have to put myself out there and
develop some friendships. The thing is I don't know if I want to. For me, there is
this challenging paradox of being both really busy and yet
bored. The maintenance of running my life now is exhausting. There is just
always something to do. And I still work, of course. I am tired AND bored
because even though I may be doing something, it’s not really something fun,
and it’s not usually stimulating or rewarding.
Thank you, Sheri, for the great conversation and for making me realize that I miss having OTHER people in my life too.
