Thankful and Lucky

9.14.17

I went to a Young Widow group tonight. It was my first time and I arrived late (stupid google map!) so missed some of the introductions. My friend Kelly, who lost her husband only 22 days before I lost mine, went with me. It was really great to see her, more on that in a bit.

There was one topic that sticks out. It was around how widows lose friends and even family. A common experience is that immediately after your spouse dies everyone wants to help, but eventually those offers dry up. And people feel bad asking for continued help, or to first start asking for help after XXX length of time has passed. Then there is the loss of friends – couples that you did things with and also friends that were more your spouse’s friends than yours. One woman experienced being told to not text a friend’s husband after both couples had texted each other interchangeably for many years. She was shocked to feel like a threat after so many years. And finally there is the loss of family members – the in laws and that side of the family. I have heard more than once that the in laws just sort of evaporate.

So, there Kelly and I sat listening and participating at some points, but after the meeting we sat in her car for THREE HOURS and just talked. One of the first things we said was how LUCKY we both are that we have NOT experienced the loss of friends or family. Kelly just had a One Year Remembrance BBQ for her husband and there were over 125 people there! Kelly and I have some friends in common (and many more individually) and they are all still there for us in the same capacity in which they always have been. We also both had and still have GREAT relationships with our mother in laws and our husband's families. We have both talked to our MILs about the “what if I remarry?” question and both told us that they would remain our MILs; we’d just get more. I have never felt so appreciative and thankful in my whole life.

So what did we talk about for 3 hours? Our husbands. Our sadiversaries. Psychics and mediums. Grief groups. Work. Trying to be social. Being indecisive. Being lonely. Closet space. Everything! We could not believe how in sync we were with our grief status, thoughts, and feelings. We lost our spouses just 22 days apart and we are only 1 year apart in age. Our losses are different in that my husband’s life was slowly stolen by a horrible cancer and her husband’s life was ripped from him in an instant by a FedEx truck. But so many other facets of our lives are very similar.

Here is a funny snippet from our conversation. Neither of us is ready to take off our wedding rings, yet both of us would like a male friend in certain situations; we notice the gaping hole in our lives. In reality we want our husbands returned but since that’s not possible then at least a stand-in male would be nice. Before, we chose to do an activity with our girlfriends, siblings, children, or husband, etc. It’s sad to deal with the feeling of powerlessness when the option for husband has been forcibly removed. So, on the one hand we want to wear our wedding rings but on the other hand we still want a male friend. However, if a man approached us, knowing we have wedding rings on, we would instantly think he was a jerk for going after a married woman! Guess we can’t have our cake and eat it too.