I
know that life without my husband is sad and difficult at times. I am one of
the lucky ones though. I have a great family, great in laws, and great friends.
My brother lives with me, has for the past 15 years, and has really helped fill
in the gaps left by my superhero.
It
has been 10 months and 4 days since my beloved Howie left my life, not that
anyone but me is counting. There are a lot of things to count in widowhood,
especially in this first year. You count how many days since he left, you count
how many times and for how long you cry, you count how many events you’ve
managed to survive, and sometimes you count your blessings. That’s the hardest
because without Howie nothing really seems that great.
It
is hard to describe to someone that is not a widow how I feel at this point. I
am not unhappy, I am just not happy. Life is not fun anymore. I have most of
the logistics down – how to function day to day – but I am still figuring out
how to absorb my husband’s whole life into mine (e.g. car maintenance, lawn
maintenance, grocery shopping, cooking, and on and on).
Why
write now? To capture my thoughts and feelings TODAY, to be able to look back
and see if I’ve been able to move forward without the love of my life, and
maybe, just maybe to help another widow that also is not sure if she’s normal
and offer reassurance that she’s not alone. I’m waxing a bit philosophical as
I’m not 100% committed to doing this. I don’t know if I really want to write,
or if I do, that I want it out there in the universe for all.
I
guess we’ll see.
